Well I am ready to be new again

Okay so Micah gave Jordan one of my shirts to her to give me because she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore even though I sit right next to her in my 4th hour. How gay is that right? I mean how hard is it to just look over and say "heres your shirt back" you don't have to say anything else. but but BUT heres the kicker. I'm best friends with Isaiah,her sister's bf, so I hung out with Isaiah,Becca and Isaiah's little brother yesterday because I was invited to. Well I sent another messsage to micah to remind her to bring the last of my stuff she has. Well She was like I would've given to it you last night since you were at my sisters and all and I was like well its not your fault at all its cool and then she said
"i was pretty pissed to find that out last night. you were a reason i was unable to stay at becs but its cool." I mean...she didn't even want to go over there to hang with her sister. She wanted to go over there to hang out with someone kid that was over there because hes realted to her sister's roomates. She makes me so angry. Thats an understatement.
I think its funny how even my three year old niece picks up why I was sad. She doesn't like Micah anymore because of her breaking my heart. It pretty funny when she talks about it. She used to talk about Micah because she didn't know but now that she does she doesnt want anything to do with anything that reminds her of her. but anyway.
This isn't just a rant this is my thoughts about everything. I got into deep thought while mowing today.
Heres some tid-bits of those thoughts copy and pasted from a conversation I had earlier.
"Its just really tough man. I mean...its been like almost exactly 3 months since she broke up with me and I still break down when thinking about her. This is nothing near easy. I pray every night that I don't pass out right when I get into bed. Which is probably 6/7 of the week and I have for the entire time we've been broken up. I know Great things take time and I'm willing to wait but you know how we are. We're impatient people and just nothing has gone right for me."
" Shes so different. The way she acts. The way she talks...... oh my god. it makes me facepalm
Shes not cool anymore. Shes just an annoying teenage girl. Shes not the AMAZING person I feel in love with."
"That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop praying for her to come back.
I mean I was talking to Isaiah who has to be around her ALL the time because of work and her sister and all he talks about is how annoying or horrible she is and how he can't remember what she was like before me.
And how she used to be cool but now he can't stand her and how He wishes the old her would come back."
"Well she was never this gay. She was the nicest funniest most beautiful girl I ever met. She took my expectations of love and blew them out of the water. So that has to say something."
"She trusted me with so much and I knew her so well thats why all of this confuses me. The girl I knew was so happy with the exception of some things. I just don't get it. I guess I never will."
"I mean the first day I ever hung out with her We went on a walk,played rock band,left 4 dead and walked a pokemon movie. Then things got couple like and well I won't get into details but... God man. I had never been so happy. I miss THAT girl. The girl that would play Left4dead with me and watch pokemon and take walks with me. I Want that girl back like no other."

Well thats all my thoughts that I've already written down.

My other thoughts are I'm writing another letter to her. I'm giving to to someone to give to her the last day I'm in high school. Its going to be my last words to her. I'm going to tell her that I'm going to keep her in my prayers for her to saty safe and not make stupid choices and how I was ignorant of her unhappiness in our relationship and how I was the worst boyfriend because of that. I'm giving up my chase for her because just because she made me happy doesn't mean I made her happy. Because of her I finally know what true Love is. Its sacrificing yourself for someone else. I'd gladly sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy. Thats what I'm going to do. I have to let her go. I have to let her live her life. Maybe when shes matured God will bring her back to me. Who knows. Everything and Anything could happen. I'm putting everything in God's hand. I know He'll mold a beautiful future for me and for her. I know shes this monster of a person right now but I know that doesn't stop those that truly love her from loving her. "He tells me Love endures all things." I honestly don't wish horrible things on her. I wish the best for her but by all means that does not mean if shes a bitch to me I won't stand up for myself for once now. I finally have all my stuff back(atleast Isaiah has the last of it I think?) I'm not afraid to stand up for her anymore because Shes burned more of our bridge then I have. I'm not afraid of this new you. I HATE THEM. How can I hate someone I love? I hate who shes become because she killed such an AMAZING person. thats how. This is complicated I know but Its time to live your life, babe. Likewise, Its my time as well. I need to have faith that the person I'm going to be with is going to be amazing. Well This is the end. It was nice knowing you,I mean that sincerely. I love you and goodbye.

Sugar and Rainbows

"There's no sense in me saying that life doesn't matter
It doesn't matter, it never mattered
Well I have Sunday so maybe we'll finish this chapter
I can't ever finish this chapter
And now at this moment I don't know what else to think
There's no sense in me saying "I guess I still miss you""

I want to be so mad but...whats the point? I'm sad. Whats the point? I get mad that you don't even say hi to me anymore but... just even the smallest things I still find adorable about you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I want to be over you because you're obviously not coming back. I don't want you dragging me down anymore... but I'm so jealous that you're able to smile. You're able to be happy with out me. You're happy and content. I wish I was able to be. I see you with other people giving them hugs and such. It makes me so sad. I never get hugs like that. I miss those hugs from you. Its not that I'm creeping its just that you do this in plain sight of me. I love the fact that we pass each other like its nothing. I ask you to bring back my stuff and you DON'T. Well actually, maybe you did. The fact that I still think you're adorable. Thanks. I don't get why Love can make you harbor such harsh feelings for someone. Why oh why? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get over you? I try and I try but to no avail. Whats the solution to this? Why does this haunt me and hang over my head? I don't think anyone knows I feel this way still. I kinda don't want people to. I just want someone to save me from my suffering. Is this asking for too much? I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be content. I don't want to be sad from the sight of you. I don't want these feelings anymore because all they bring me is sadness because you broke my heart. You made me feel like utter shit because I love you. Who does that? How can you treat someone who loves you like that? I don't get it. Nothing is making sense. Nothing has made sense since December 18th. I want to say good bye to the storms in the night. I want to say good bye to this beautiful sight.
I just want to be away from sadness. Maybe its for the best I'm graduating. I never wanted to say good bye but I have no choice. I can't stay. I'm not wanted here. I want you to be happy in the end no matter what I say. I will always you even though I may not be in love with you. I want you to be happy even if I'm not. Thats the hardest part...watching you love someone else. I thought you were the antidote for my unhappiness but you ended up the poision. It just took awhile to kick in.

In retrospect

Another day has past. Time keeps taking them away. You know when you lay down to sleep and you have all those thoughts about whats going on and you just think about everything. Everything that matters and everything you care about. I have thought nights every night,with people there or not. I can't stop thoughts. No matter how hard I try. I can't just get over this. Am I so pathetic? Why can I not think of anyone the way I think and thought of you? The way you treated me in the end.. should've made this easy but alas.. It made me miss you more. The way you used to look at me, that smile,those eyes, that embrace, those hugs,kisses.cuddle sessions, the jokes, the time we spent together,super long phone calls, those dreams and expectations, that future....that Love. What am I supposed to do when there was so much taken from me? I was drained hollow and empty. I don't even know which way is up anymore. The slightest sign of you and I almost fall apart. I'm suprised how I'm able to deal with it when we're at school. There has to be something wrong with me. I'm must be broken. I want to be fixed but I don't want to have to go to a fix(drugs,alcohol,sex). Why should I care when you obviously don't? I don't matter and obviously never did. Why am I unable to come to terms with this? I'm sick like a sailor thats been lost at sea. I see your reflection and it haunts me in my dreams. I can say this in the most poetic ways but it wouldn't change anything. I love you still and every moment you're not by my side I hurt alittle more and more. I'm crazy about you...I must be to still have these feelings. Everyone tells me I'm wrong and to just get over it and you. Its not that easy. No mind can grasp that. I've tried. I really have. Do you think I like feeling like this because like always. I'm in unrewuited love? No, I hate it. I want someone to take me away to some where I can't shed tears, Some where were Its safe to let someone else in and where I'm not afraid. Dear God, Please Help. Kthx. God please..... Save me before I do something I regret.(not suicide :D)