Oh Clementine, you'll never be mine.

Lately,I've found myself in these weird moods and like, it feels like I will only feel better if I spend money or like someone complements me. I just want to feel wanted,you know? I feel stupid because I know its not important to focus on these things but seriously, Affection would be superb right now. I wouldn't ever force it or push it on someone thats no good. Its just,honestly, I want it really bad. I don't want sex. I really don't. I wanna stray away from lust, I really do. I just haven't been kissed in almost 7 months. It sucks. "When are weak, we are starving." That line is very true, you know when we're hurt and stuff, we want what ever we can get, I won't deny that. I've lead on girls before not because I wanted to do stuff with them or anything like that... I just liked the feeling of being wanted and I know its wrong and I've apologized,I've felt guilty and I won't do it again. Just being wanted is so delightful and I'm kinda craving. This is bad. :/

Fall to your knees and pray for mercy

I'm not much in a talking mood, I just want to get a few things out.
I went to Fall's Creek. The last night there I never felt more content. I had several reasons. I had hope. As soon as I got back.. skdhflsfd all this stuff happened. Alot of cool stuff is happening but pugs. I asked to be tested. Be careful what you wish for huh? *facepalm* That was possibly one of the worst things to happen. I don't know if I can handle...No I can. Its just really hard. I just wish you'd leave me alone and you wouldn't talk about that. Okay. Cool.

Compelling thoughts.

What compels us to do things we thought we shouldn't,things we thought we would never do? God. I have faith in you.

What happens when you stop knowing whats right?

I'm at the point where I'm not sure whats right to want. I don't know what I should do. I'm so afraid of the future. I'm an adult now.. Can I function correctly? I just want something to feel right. Nothing has given me that feeling in a long time. Please, just give me something.

Well I am ready to be new again

Okay so Micah gave Jordan one of my shirts to her to give me because she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore even though I sit right next to her in my 4th hour. How gay is that right? I mean how hard is it to just look over and say "heres your shirt back" you don't have to say anything else. but but BUT heres the kicker. I'm best friends with Isaiah,her sister's bf, so I hung out with Isaiah,Becca and Isaiah's little brother yesterday because I was invited to. Well I sent another messsage to micah to remind her to bring the last of my stuff she has. Well She was like I would've given to it you last night since you were at my sisters and all and I was like well its not your fault at all its cool and then she said
"i was pretty pissed to find that out last night. you were a reason i was unable to stay at becs but its cool." I mean...she didn't even want to go over there to hang with her sister. She wanted to go over there to hang out with someone kid that was over there because hes realted to her sister's roomates. She makes me so angry. Thats an understatement.
I think its funny how even my three year old niece picks up why I was sad. She doesn't like Micah anymore because of her breaking my heart. It pretty funny when she talks about it. She used to talk about Micah because she didn't know but now that she does she doesnt want anything to do with anything that reminds her of her. but anyway.
This isn't just a rant this is my thoughts about everything. I got into deep thought while mowing today.
Heres some tid-bits of those thoughts copy and pasted from a conversation I had earlier.
"Its just really tough man. I mean...its been like almost exactly 3 months since she broke up with me and I still break down when thinking about her. This is nothing near easy. I pray every night that I don't pass out right when I get into bed. Which is probably 6/7 of the week and I have for the entire time we've been broken up. I know Great things take time and I'm willing to wait but you know how we are. We're impatient people and just nothing has gone right for me."
" Shes so different. The way she acts. The way she talks...... oh my god. it makes me facepalm
Shes not cool anymore. Shes just an annoying teenage girl. Shes not the AMAZING person I feel in love with."
"That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop praying for her to come back.
I mean I was talking to Isaiah who has to be around her ALL the time because of work and her sister and all he talks about is how annoying or horrible she is and how he can't remember what she was like before me.
And how she used to be cool but now he can't stand her and how He wishes the old her would come back."
"Well she was never this gay. She was the nicest funniest most beautiful girl I ever met. She took my expectations of love and blew them out of the water. So that has to say something."
"She trusted me with so much and I knew her so well thats why all of this confuses me. The girl I knew was so happy with the exception of some things. I just don't get it. I guess I never will."
"I mean the first day I ever hung out with her We went on a walk,played rock band,left 4 dead and walked a pokemon movie. Then things got couple like and well I won't get into details but... God man. I had never been so happy. I miss THAT girl. The girl that would play Left4dead with me and watch pokemon and take walks with me. I Want that girl back like no other."

Well thats all my thoughts that I've already written down.

My other thoughts are I'm writing another letter to her. I'm giving to to someone to give to her the last day I'm in high school. Its going to be my last words to her. I'm going to tell her that I'm going to keep her in my prayers for her to saty safe and not make stupid choices and how I was ignorant of her unhappiness in our relationship and how I was the worst boyfriend because of that. I'm giving up my chase for her because just because she made me happy doesn't mean I made her happy. Because of her I finally know what true Love is. Its sacrificing yourself for someone else. I'd gladly sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy. Thats what I'm going to do. I have to let her go. I have to let her live her life. Maybe when shes matured God will bring her back to me. Who knows. Everything and Anything could happen. I'm putting everything in God's hand. I know He'll mold a beautiful future for me and for her. I know shes this monster of a person right now but I know that doesn't stop those that truly love her from loving her. "He tells me Love endures all things." I honestly don't wish horrible things on her. I wish the best for her but by all means that does not mean if shes a bitch to me I won't stand up for myself for once now. I finally have all my stuff back(atleast Isaiah has the last of it I think?) I'm not afraid to stand up for her anymore because Shes burned more of our bridge then I have. I'm not afraid of this new you. I HATE THEM. How can I hate someone I love? I hate who shes become because she killed such an AMAZING person. thats how. This is complicated I know but Its time to live your life, babe. Likewise, Its my time as well. I need to have faith that the person I'm going to be with is going to be amazing. Well This is the end. It was nice knowing you,I mean that sincerely. I love you and goodbye.

Sugar and Rainbows

"There's no sense in me saying that life doesn't matter
It doesn't matter, it never mattered
Well I have Sunday so maybe we'll finish this chapter
I can't ever finish this chapter
And now at this moment I don't know what else to think
There's no sense in me saying "I guess I still miss you""

I want to be so mad but...whats the point? I'm sad. Whats the point? I get mad that you don't even say hi to me anymore but... just even the smallest things I still find adorable about you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I want to be over you because you're obviously not coming back. I don't want you dragging me down anymore... but I'm so jealous that you're able to smile. You're able to be happy with out me. You're happy and content. I wish I was able to be. I see you with other people giving them hugs and such. It makes me so sad. I never get hugs like that. I miss those hugs from you. Its not that I'm creeping its just that you do this in plain sight of me. I love the fact that we pass each other like its nothing. I ask you to bring back my stuff and you DON'T. Well actually, maybe you did. The fact that I still think you're adorable. Thanks. I don't get why Love can make you harbor such harsh feelings for someone. Why oh why? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get over you? I try and I try but to no avail. Whats the solution to this? Why does this haunt me and hang over my head? I don't think anyone knows I feel this way still. I kinda don't want people to. I just want someone to save me from my suffering. Is this asking for too much? I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be content. I don't want to be sad from the sight of you. I don't want these feelings anymore because all they bring me is sadness because you broke my heart. You made me feel like utter shit because I love you. Who does that? How can you treat someone who loves you like that? I don't get it. Nothing is making sense. Nothing has made sense since December 18th. I want to say good bye to the storms in the night. I want to say good bye to this beautiful sight.
I just want to be away from sadness. Maybe its for the best I'm graduating. I never wanted to say good bye but I have no choice. I can't stay. I'm not wanted here. I want you to be happy in the end no matter what I say. I will always you even though I may not be in love with you. I want you to be happy even if I'm not. Thats the hardest part...watching you love someone else. I thought you were the antidote for my unhappiness but you ended up the poision. It just took awhile to kick in.

In retrospect

Another day has past. Time keeps taking them away. You know when you lay down to sleep and you have all those thoughts about whats going on and you just think about everything. Everything that matters and everything you care about. I have thought nights every night,with people there or not. I can't stop thoughts. No matter how hard I try. I can't just get over this. Am I so pathetic? Why can I not think of anyone the way I think and thought of you? The way you treated me in the end.. should've made this easy but alas.. It made me miss you more. The way you used to look at me, that smile,those eyes, that embrace, those hugs,kisses.cuddle sessions, the jokes, the time we spent together,super long phone calls, those dreams and expectations, that future....that Love. What am I supposed to do when there was so much taken from me? I was drained hollow and empty. I don't even know which way is up anymore. The slightest sign of you and I almost fall apart. I'm suprised how I'm able to deal with it when we're at school. There has to be something wrong with me. I'm must be broken. I want to be fixed but I don't want to have to go to a fix(drugs,alcohol,sex). Why should I care when you obviously don't? I don't matter and obviously never did. Why am I unable to come to terms with this? I'm sick like a sailor thats been lost at sea. I see your reflection and it haunts me in my dreams. I can say this in the most poetic ways but it wouldn't change anything. I love you still and every moment you're not by my side I hurt alittle more and more. I'm crazy about you...I must be to still have these feelings. Everyone tells me I'm wrong and to just get over it and you. Its not that easy. No mind can grasp that. I've tried. I really have. Do you think I like feeling like this because like always. I'm in unrewuited love? No, I hate it. I want someone to take me away to some where I can't shed tears, Some where were Its safe to let someone else in and where I'm not afraid. Dear God, Please Help. Kthx. God please..... Save me before I do something I regret.(not suicide :D)

If you were who you said you were,You would be here now and

There's no way down,
When you drug yourself to the bottom
There's no way down,
When you cast yourself as...

Deceiver, deceiver, deceiver, deceiver

Theres no lower then you. You got caught again. Who knows if this is the first time you have done it again? I know what you're capable of. It scares me. As soon as I heard the news... I found myself shaking. Why do I care so much? You don't even give me the time of day. Are my thoughts even rational thinking? I've got a big heart and nothing to do with it.. or my you still have it along with all the other stuff you've yet to give back. I don't see the purpose of this. Is this some kind of test? I know God wouldn't put me through something I can't handle but....What if I can't handle this? What if I can't overcome this? I don't have any idea what I'm supposed to do. I need a sign. I need a hint, a letter, a voice, a word,etc. Anything. No matter what I do shes some how brought up,seen,reminded of and spoken of. What is this? This is no challenge this is a war on my heart and the walls are crashing down. I hope I'm not making this too dramatic. These are only my feelings, No big deal right?
You see nothing but yourself.You damn the ones that fight for you. Why? I can't see reasoning in you. I don't see what went wrong. I don't see why I can still care this much. Why am I afraid for you? why? oh why? Thats right.. I love you and I'm in love with the old you. This is rough. Getting over you is like getting over Mt. Everest, I just don't know where to start..how do I prepare?
In some ways I want to say this
" I am to the point where I don't even wanna know where you are
Or where you're going baby (oooh).
Same old story.
And I am to the point where I don't even wanna see your face anymore (anymore).
You're so far gone."

but I also want to say this.

"I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay. "But," you argue.
More than this, I wish you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out of the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up "

You can look at both sides...which one would you say is more poweful?

Hell or High water

These lyrics basically say what I'm thinking. I'm explain after I post them.

"And you’re far to shallow to drown me in your follies

You won’t make it far, this is bigger than who we are

How could you get this far, with such a bitter plan, building all these scars

Just go ahead, pull us out, to sea, relapse to what you were

Such a commodity for you and me to be lost at sea, you drug me out here but honestly, I can sleep and preach much better now, in the clear, you are not to keen, on your current positions

You’re to far out to swim your way in, you’re to far out to swim your way 2x

Now that I’m back to where I started, drifting out against the ocean’s speed, these waves will take you farther, into the deep

And I said, that this is the end, the end (Let’s both be honest, this is the end)
Pause, fold, contort, all your friends, they fell short and sold you out

You’re to far out, to swim your way in, you’re to far out, to swim your way 2x

When all is said, and done, we face the problems we thought would never come, these treacheries, will claim you"

Shes become so shallow. She put a grimace on her face when we talked about my hair length recently. but I'm trying to put myself above that. Above anyone's opinion of me being me."You won’t make it far, this is bigger than who we are" means you can't run from this because even if you forget and are blind to what you're doing doesn't mean that God is and will. "Building all these scars" means how much you've hurt yourself and me. "You're to far out to swim your way in" means you've gone too way from who you you used to be that you'll need help going back."Now that I’m back to where I started," I'm back to being single and alone.."drifting out against the ocean’s speed, these waves will take you farther, into the deep." We've been drifting apart becoming less and less close."And I said, that this is the end, the end (Let’s both be honest, this is the end)
Pause, fold, contort, all your friends, they fell short and sold you out" This is the end of us if this is who she is and slowing all the people who cared for and were friends with her just stopped because of her actions. "When all is said, and done, we face the problems we thought would never come, these treacheries, will claim you" We never saw falling apart and becoming bitter towards each other. Its something no one couldn've predicted. All these negative things you're doing will come back and get you. Karma's a bitch eh? but also all of this is turning her into something I never saw that pretty face as a Monster.
It hurts to see something like this happen. When you do something to hurt yourself it not only hurts you but everyone that cares about you. It seems like less and less people are liking her or atleast from what I hear. I care..I still care. I thought the dreams that haunted me were done...but they're coming back. The last two nights you've come back to my dreams. I don't get what my mind is getting at. I obviously still feel something towards her. Its been two months. It feels like forever. I haven't said a word towards her in more then a week. I have a presentation with her on monday...thats gonna be awesome. She still hasn't given all my stuff back. It seems like its no big deal that I would like my stuff back. I don't get her. Why would she want to keep my stuff? It'll only remind her of my which is obviously something she didn't want. Then why think of something you don't want? The slightest things are bringing her back to my attention. Its odd. I thought I was starting to get over this.I'm not in tears or anything but its just upsetting this whole thing. I... I don't want to think of her with anyone else. I stopped caring for a little...I started being a better mood but then it caught up to me...It sucked...alot. I don't get this. I don't get me. I don't understand why I'm able to be stuck on someone who treats me like trash. Something you throw away and never think of anymore. Seriously. I was talking to Matt about how she broke up with me and he blatantly looked at me and said. "I'm sorry but What a BITCH!" It hit me and I was....you know..you're right. That was a horrible way to treat someone you used to "love". Love is reserve with those who can actually feel compassion towards someone. I understand shes only 16. She wants to see what else is out there.. but seriously How could you treat me like that? I'm a human being and as disgusting as it is being human..I deserve respect. Like you. You deserve respect as well but every action you do is taking away from that. You're blindfold is a mirror you only see yourself but even then you can't see what you're doing to yourself. It kinda scares me...if anything happens to you..I don't know what I'd do. Not just anyone would do what I would do. Thats what she doesn't seem to get. Thats what alot of people don't seem to get. Why go for douchebags? Seriously..they just screw you over. I was the first person not to screw you over and It makes no sense. I believe everything happens for a reason...but whats the reason for this? I talked to my mom about this and she looked at me and said "Josh, She didn't leave you for you. She left you because of the God in you. The God in you wouldn't let her do what she wanted to do. She couldn't be your girlfriend and do what shes wanting to do right now." and In a way it made me feel better but it also made me sad. Shes so without God..I wish she can see and find him. I tried planting that seed a month ago...nothing. Apparently shes become worse. I know what shes capable of and...it scares me. I don't know why my mind wanders on this things. It sends a shock to my system and gives me a gross feeling. I want that feeling to go away but theres nothing I can do. I desperately need help. but part of my problem is that shes being a reckless teenager. I can't change this and I HATE HATE HATE it. Even though she doesn't talk to me and I doubt she ever thinks of me...I worry so much about her. I don't understand...What am I supposed to do? Seriously. I just want to be wiped clean of gross feelings and lust and all the disgusting things that comes with being human. I wish for something better. What I deserve. Theres no way...someone so loving and caring can't not deserve nothing? I base my faith on when I felt God. I know it was him. I don't use Micah as a Faith factor...its just something I wish could be fixed. I wish She would be the person she used to be. I have prayed every night before I go to sleep for all those who need it and for Micah. I try and try and try to be thankful for what I have but Its just so easy to be like I don't have that...and be upset about that. I can be fake with myself and tell everyone and myself that I'm sad because I don't have a relationship but the truth is that I'm still upset because I don't have her. How do I know that if I get into a relationship that it would even feel right? well atleast right now. That I could even kiss someone else and it mean anything? I don't know.. I need God. I need.....I don't know. I just need. I don't like complicated others with my problems yet I always end up being complicated with others problems. Maybe its just me trying to be selfless. I don't do selflessness because I want anything out of it. I mean deep down theres always like "Well I could get blah blah out of this." but I push that aside as just the temptation inside trying to take control. I want to be selfless because it feels right. I know I am still selfish though. I want as much as I can get money,food,etc. Its very glutinous and I can't stand it. I hate being negative Its just how I find myself sometimes. You know that saying "It can only go up from here"? huh. When does that start? I don't know...I think after I'm done with this I'm gonna go in my room for some deep thinking with Music. Maybe a talk with God. I need change though...I need positive change.
I know you only too well and you seem to never surprise me. -_-

Leave me Love,Leave me Love just leave me alone.

This last week has been pretty good to me. Final Fantasy XIII came out. I love it. I didn't go to school tuesday because of it. haha. Pokemon comes out sunday! I've been talking to cool new people like Lexie,Brooklyn,Catherine,Bailey,Sam,Haylee,etc. I'm really blessed to have these people in my life. I really love everyone that has been with me through everything. I think I'm getting out of this rut. I'm really enjoying living with Matt. It is really interesting haha. Third tri...what do I think of you? First band like normal. Second. Chinese... theres like 4 kids in there. Third. I love doing nothing with three other awesome people. Fourth. I don't want to sit next to this rude girl. Fifth. There is NO one I know in this class. but yeah its all good. I gave Brooklyn a pokeball and now she is a pokemon trainer! I hope shes good to Prinplup! I've been doing better and better recently. Hopefully I'm at the point where it can only go up from here. I mean.. I think I might have interest in someone new. If I only got to talk to them alittle more I would know but I need alittle more time before I make any decisions. I want to make sure I am actually interested in them as a person and not that I'm just desperate for attention and affection. I also want to make sure that I'm over hershallnotbenamed because if I wasn't and I started dating someone new that would not be fair. I went to church with Tyler wednesday and I really liked it. I think I may start going there. I went to bed last night at one and woke up at three pm today. I wasted the first day of spring break. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I am updating my ipod with stuff I never got a chance to put on there before. Wooo. I still need head phones. I'm excited for tomorrow. Luis and Aaron are coming over to record vocals. Its gonna be pretty sweet.

I've found you.

I don't know if this inspiration will last but I want to write about this before its gone if it leaves. I know where you went. You're not gone..You're in my heart. I just need a way to let you out. You haven't been the same since I was gone. Atleast from what I've heard. I want you to be you again. I want you to miss me. I want you to wake up. I want you to embrace Christ. Theres nobody that would still even want to talk to you after you said the things that you said to me. Theres nobody that would still want you. Good thing I'm a nobody. I want the best for you. I think thats me. Is this selfish? Everything worth having is worth fighting for. You're worth everything. I'll fight for you until you're mine again but all of this is in God's hands. I think I'm more right then I know but its all up to you.

Counting the days.

Its been One month and twelve days since we've been apart. I've haven't been truly happy since. I have tried so hard to get you back. I don't know how much longer I can take. I would endure all this for you but everyone has their limits. Although I would stretch mine to the brink just for you. I don't think you know how much you mean to me.I just want her back so much . I would do anything. ANYTHING. People tell me "oh you're only 17.blah blah." FUCK THAT. I know I love her with all my heart. I've turned to Christ and the Lord for help in my time of need. I have faith but Nothings getting better. I have a class with her and I sat right next to her. Basically for the time I've known her shes been mine. I don't know how to act around her other then to be in her arms. I can't get used to this. It feels weird,it feels out of place. I hate this.I just wish there was something I could do. But nothing feels that void she took. Its like a hunger I can't satisfy. Even flirting with other girls feels like cheating..I just have never been through this much pain. Even when my dad left.. it hurt so much less then this. Yesterday after the first day of the tri. She walked right by me without saying anything like I'm a stranger like I don't matter. Shes not acting like herself. Everyone when I talk to them says "I don't know man, I don't know her like you do." Thats exactly it. I know her so well. I know this isn't her. I just don't know whats wrong. If anything I wish all this prayer I'm getting would go to her. Maybe I'm wrong maybe shes fine. idk. I have all these feelings and theres no way to vent them. Yesterday would have been well suited for rain. I cried so much after I got home because after spending that 70 minutes next to her.. I knew I still am madly in love with her. These feelings aren't going away although if they were already gone I wouldn't have really loved her in the first place. This may seem creepy all my feelings for her. I can't get her out of my head. Shes all I think about. Theres so much that reminds me of her. It could be the littlest thing and bam! shes there. I can't even get away from this in my dreams. Shes there. My family that met her asks about her and says "How is your girlfriend/Micah?" and I just have to sink down and say "she broke up with me.." Its like I can't get away from it. We have the same lunch and the same fourth hour. As much as I love it. I hate it because it just reminds me of what I had and how happy I was. The best advice I've been given is follow your heart. Why do anything if your hearts not in it right? My heart tells me shes the only girl for me and I need no one else. Shes perfect even at her worst. I only have eyes for her and thats not changing. I just want her bad so bad. I don't know what to do. Anything for her. I feel pathetic. Every tear I've cried,every sad day I've had would all be worth it if she would only be mine again. Here I go again with the tears. I get this feeling of unfinished business with her but theres nothing I can do. Please oh Lord give me strength and opportunity to win by my love,my baby...Micah. The old saying "It can only go up from here." Wheres up? I'm so lost. I love talking to people about there problems but I hate talking to people about mine sometimes cause I don't want to put my problems on others. I can be such a hypocrite sometimes. Telling people things giving them advice but not doing that myself. I'm so human its disgusting. Speaking of disgusting I've found Lust grosser and grosser recently. Maybe thats because I've discovered the only person I ever want to share myself with is her. Again..I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I need guidance,I need help, I need a helping hand. I need her. I need her so bad. I wish she needed me just as bad. I think I've cried everyday for the past month and a half. She made me so happy that I cried from happiness once just because I knew she was mine and she loved me. I guess I'm really emotional. :/ I must suck. I have low self esteem. Blah. This is way more then I thought I could write.